thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
