If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
