yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize