i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's get the cat blown out
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
