Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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