Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
