I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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