i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
