Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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