He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
