You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
