No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
