he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
