Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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