I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
