Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
