Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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