happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
