dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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