So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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