Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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