I wish I could teleport
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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