I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize