Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
