I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
