Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
