i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
