omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
