Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
