why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
