I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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