theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize