Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
