My sheets look like a crime scene.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Success! We fucked roommates!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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