does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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