I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
