I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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