WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
