I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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