I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
