Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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