In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize