We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Couch. On fire.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
