i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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