Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize