wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
