dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
