i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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