i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
