How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
