he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
