I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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