My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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