is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
