You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
